Exhausted

Today it is April the 11th, 2020. We have been in isolation because of the COVID-19 for three weeks now. I have been exhausted for three days. While I did not have to do anything for two weeks. But I made of my daily to do list to keep myself healthy and happy. It did not work any longer.

I was happy and content for two and a half week. Then I felt so tired. Too tired to sit up. Too tired to follow my daily list to stay healthy and happy. I only had enough energy for eating, reading and sleeping.

Overbusy

Was I obsessed with keeping busy and doing useful things? Yes. Cleaned the kitchen 4 times a day. Minimal. Did yoga, rope-jumped, worked in the garden, walked, read, wrote, called, read the news, looked at Facebook every hour or at least twice an hour a day, followed the news of New Zealand, The Netherlands and the rest of the world. And more. I did not get bored, but I did get exhausted. I was making myself overbusy.

Avoiding feeling

Focussing on the present can be exhausting.
I was focussing on what I was doing, and seeing. But not on what I was feeling.

What was I avoiding? Fear of Boredom. Not doing anything useful. Thinking of what to do with my life after this lockdown. Avoiding feeling lonely, fear of geting sick. Disappointment of not being able to our planned traveling. I was also avoiding ‘having’ to call somebody – as I put that for me difficult activity on the daily-to-do-list.

I was focussed on the doing, avoiding the uncomfortable feeling and thinking.

Do I find it hard to say those fears out loud? Or maybe even don’t want to think about them? I know I am very lucky to be in this beautiful place, be rich, be healthy. It is embarrassing to admit that I am not content and not feeling only gratefulness but still have those worries.

I do not allow myself to feel sorry for myself. And there is no need or reason to feel sorry for myself.
I just have to admit to myself that I am afraid of those scenario’s. Accept those thoughts. Without having to dwell in them.
Talk supportive to myself when I start to worry:
How am I going to contribute to the world after this lockdown time? I could tell myself, to feel better now,’ Looking after the house and garden and be good company for my partner is contributing too.’
Be nice and supportive to myself,’ There will be plenty of opportunities to contribute. Right now not. You don’t know what is going to be possible. You might travel yet. Times are uncertain. Wait and see.’

I decided to write my worries down, and to mention them to Greg. From then on I felt much better. There are no solutions for the worries, but now I have accepted those worries instead of ignoring them and let them wear me down.

I also decided that I am going to take it slower than I did in those first two weeks. I need more rest than I gave myself in those first two weeks of the self-isolation.

Don’t forget to feel

And of course, try to take note of my worries. Share them with somebody if I need to and then let them go.